You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
