you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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