he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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