wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
