I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
