I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
