He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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