Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
