I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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