If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
