remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
