I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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