I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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