just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
