There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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