Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
