it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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