Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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