Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
