OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize