no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
