i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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