OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
