you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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