I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
