So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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