"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
