If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
