I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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