you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
