capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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