Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
