I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
