im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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