im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
