have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize