she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
