Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
