I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize