Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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