I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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