I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I could make wine with my vomit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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