Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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