Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
