onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
