a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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