I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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