I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
