He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
