you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
