I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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