A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
