I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
