Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
