Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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