Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
