worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
