you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
