Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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