Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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