The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
