i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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