The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Mom said you looked used
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
