So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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