I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
