We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
